


Betrayal

by Blablabea



Series: Fixing terrible writing with maybe even more terrible writing (season 14) [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 14x02, ;-), And sad stuff, Angel Vessels, Archangels, Crying, Emotions, Hurt/Comfort, I can't write for shit sorry about this, I will fix shitty writing with even shittier writing, Luci is dead, Luci is dead(?), M/M, Mourning, Murder, Nick loves luci and luci loves nick and that's A Fact, Of Gods and Monsters, Sad!Nick, Season 14 Spoilers, giving explanation to things, it doesn't go well, murder as a coping mechanism, without the comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 12:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16368062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blablabea/pseuds/Blablabea
Summary: Nick is confused. He's cold and angry and sad and he doesn't remember why.(Following canon from 14x02 but without butchering the characters)





	Betrayal

Everything is confusing. He has these memories, of him doing things, bad, bad things. But it’s not him, it’s Lucifer, and he doesn’t remember.

  
How could he have let that happen? Why would he ever do something like that  
He doesn’t know, but everything is so empty and cold and he remembers warm hands and smiles in his life but with that also unbearable pain, like someone carved out his heart. So he doesn’t know if he wants to remember.

 

  
They tell him, about the apocalypse, and what he (Nick) did and what He (Lucifer) did, and he can’t believe it but the flashes he gets and sharp and painful. He can’t remember why would he do something like that. The weight of his own grief is unbearable, but he doesn’t remember who he is grieving for. His head hurts, a pulsing behind his eyes and he oh so desperately wants to sleep, but he doesn’t look forward to the dreams.

  
They tell him Lucifer used his body and killed, so so many killed by his hands. He looks at himself and sees a monster, how could anyone end up like that. He needed consent, they tell him, and with every word, he feels a bit more like the true monster in the story.

  
Everyone keeps asking him questions, and how, how can he know anything, about what happened, when everything in his head is humming with light and grace and the mourning for the angel he lost, and the peace that he was asleep in for the last forever was just replaced by a blade in his side and emptiness and cold. He doesn’t have time to think about anything else other than how much he misses his Light, and how guilty he feels about that.  
Yeah, he doesn’t want to remember more.

 

  
But of course, he doesn’t have a choice, and everything comes back with an electric pulse through his brain, and it hurts, and then the memories hurt so much more. He was right, it was better not knowing.

  
If it was confusing before, now it’s clear and transparent. Sharp as a blade, but he doesn’t have time to break down so he takes it by the handle and decides to do something with it. He has to. He has to. He wants revenge, that's what Lucifer promised him (he promised and then he left! He lied, he lied, and now he's gone), so that's what he's gonna get.

The anger is a nice change of pace and the tiredness that felt like lead in his bones is now a hot flame through him. It feels good. It feels right. It feels like Lucifer's grace and Nick feels sick and exhilarated at the same time.  
He tricked him. Lucifer tricked him and used his body to do unspeakable things. Nick wants to scrub at his own skin with boiling water until he feels clean again (and maybe then the cold that took over him will go away, but that’s unlikely). He wants to do something, he needs to because he feels like he’s going crazy. Maybe he is, because if part of him hates Lucifer for what he did, a growing part understands, a whisper in the back of his head. Yes, he understands. He was right.

Castiel looks at him like he's crazy, like he's now himself and for a moment there is fear in his eyes. Nick doesn’t know why, but he wants him to stay away. Castiel doesn’t understand, none of them do. His family is dead, he was made a monster and he misses his wife and his kid and Lucifer (trying to deny the last one is a waste of energy, where he could barely talk about his death in the first place). He doesn’t want to. He wants things to go back to how it was but it won’t. He is angry and wants to do something, so he does.

 

  
He would have never imagined killing felt so good. Not in the sense that he liked it, it was messy and gross and he remembers his own hand going through people's chests like it was nothing and feels sick all over again, but as he smashed down the hammer on his friends head (not a friend. He lied to him. He lied, why would he lie!) Nick had control again.

He could finally let all that rage go, a spark and then a flame, into a roaring fire that consumed everything. He hated himself for saying yes (consumed with grief, he wanted out. He still wants out), hated the people who took away his family (His wife, his child, what monster could do such a thing, who?!), hated Lucifer (why did he leave, he made a promise, He made him a promise!), hated the other angel and the Winchesters (how can you look at me and see him, when you were the ones that killed him, you killed him!) And hated god for taking away his everything, and death for not taking him away too.

  
He let it consume him and it never felt so good.  
Until it didn’t anymore.

  
All the emotions poured out, and then he was left with nothing. Just a bloody hammer and the realization that right then, when looking in the mirror, he was exactly like Lucifer, red streaks on his face and clothes, and a sadness in his eyes that only ever saw in the angel’s. Maybe that’s why he came to him. Both alone, and cold inside. He swears that in that moment he feels grace in him, his power and his voice. He looks in the mirror and he isn’t sure who is looking back at him.

  
If he had any tears left he would have cried. But now the rage was gone and the sadness was quiet. They’d come back both, and soon, but for now, after the outburst, Nick felt nothing.  
So he left the house and the body on the floor.

 

  
The walk to his old front door was short. He remembered where he hid the spare key so he entered again. Trailing his fingers on the walls felt unreal. No one even bothered to sell the place, it was dusty and grey but still screamed home to him, and it hurt.

The bedroom door creaked open when he pushed it. He remembered the last time he was there, when he met Lucifer. His wife's side of the bed brought back memories of happy nights and warm embraces, and of blood. So much blood. He wanted to go to the nursery, but feared he would break all over again if he did, and he wasn’t sure he could pick up the pieces this time.

So he laid on the bed, curled a bit on himself, pressing his bloodied face on the pillow. He wanted to scream, but didn’t want to break the ethereal silence there was. He wanted to cry, and he did, knowing that no one was listening.  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> this may be turning into a mini serie where I basically complain about things and try to fix what I don't like. Without losing any of the plot, to prove that it's possible to write a story without destroying everything good that this show has left.


End file.
